Ron Howard and brother Clint
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Idiot
No. 2 idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
No. 3 idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this. “Put all your muny in this bag.”
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested minutes later as he was waiting in line at Bank of America.
No. 4 idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He mailed in his $40.
No. 5 idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.”
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran away with his loot. The cashier called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
No. 3 idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this. “Put all your muny in this bag.”
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested minutes later as he was waiting in line at Bank of America.
No. 4 idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He mailed in his $40.
No. 5 idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.”
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran away with his loot. The cashier called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
sign of things to come!
Premier gets a wee taste of it
- January 31, 2007
TO drink or not to drink. That is the multi-million-dollar question. For Steve Bracks, it has always been a firm: no way - it might be all right for Queenslanders but Victorians don't drink anything but the best, pure, unadulterated crystal-clear H20. And that's the way it's going to stay.
The Premier has gone out of his way to insist that the debate over drinking recycled sewage is not one that will be had in the southern capital for as long as he's running the place.
Nothing against the stuff, Mr Bracks says, we just don't need it in Victoria.
So imagine his well-hidden horror when morning radio bully Neil Mitchell unveiled a glass of the best in drinking water formerly known as effluent during a live interview yesterday.
"Yeah, look, I'm happy to taste it ... yeah, get a glass," Mr Bracks said to the 3AW host, who was armed with the "new water" brewed and bottled in Singapore.
Asked if he had a personal objection to drinking it, the no-fuss Premier was clear: "No, I don't. My position ... is we don't need it, it's not required, we have alternatives."
His argument comes down to water-hungry Victorian industry using more recycled water, not households. "Industry are big users of water. We can free up a large amount of water."
"OK," said Mitchell, glass in hand, "do you want a lot or a little?"
Mr Bracks: "I'll just taste it, that's all ... Yeah, I don't believe you can taste much difference, really, in water."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Transferring the Pain
A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child.
The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mothers labor pains.
They both agree and the delivery begins.
The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain.
The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch.
The husband still feels fine, so the doctor puts it up to 30%.
The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%.
The husband tells the doctor to go ahead and put it up to 100%.
The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all.
They both go back home with their child, where they find the mailman dead on their steps!!!
It's all in the knack.
At the Construction Site The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
The Stick did it!
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud. "Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud. "Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
Do you have these
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Leave it to the Germans lol
Safe sex: Pop your penis in a can
From correspondents in Berlin
December 01, 2006 08:10am
GERMAN sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.
Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, said today the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives.
"We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis," he said.
"We're very serious."
Mr Krause's team (spraykondom.de) is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom.
"It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides," he said.
"We call it the '360 degree procedure' - once round and from top to bottom. It's a bit like a car wash."
Mr Krause said the plan is to make the product ready for use in about five seconds
From correspondents in Berlin
December 01, 2006 08:10am
GERMAN sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.
Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, said today the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives.
"We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis," he said.
"We're very serious."
Mr Krause's team (spraykondom.de) is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom.
"It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides," he said.
"We call it the '360 degree procedure' - once round and from top to bottom. It's a bit like a car wash."
Mr Krause said the plan is to make the product ready for use in about five seconds
Friday, December 08, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
christmas jokes
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
****************************************************
damn
A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A damn swingset."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."
Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him."
******************************************************
Remember Christmas For Entry
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell
they go.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed
in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
****************************************************
damn
A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A damn swingset."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."
Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him."
******************************************************
Remember Christmas For Entry
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell
they go.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed
in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
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