funnies

1. This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence



2.A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."



3.A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"


4.

This fella goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said "put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put a different cream on. The man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"

interesting

• Melbourne is the only city in the world that has five international standard sporting facilities (including three with retractable roofs) on the fringe of its central business district.
  
  
• Each year Melbourne plays host to tens of thousands of interstate and overseas visitors who come to see the Australian Open Tennis Championships, the Australian Grand Prix, the Australian 500CC Motorcycle Grand Prix, Spring Racing Carnival, the Australian Football League Grand Final and many more special events.
  
  
• Melbourne is home to eight of Australia's top ten spenders on research and development (R&D) including Australia's largest, Telstra and Ericsson. In addition, Melbourne boasts Ericsson's 42nd Precinct, one of only three Ericsson R&D centres in the world.
  
  
• Melbourne's famous tramway system is the largest outside the European continent and the fourth largest in the world. It stretches along 244 kilometres (152 miles) of track, and has 450 trams.
  
  
• Melbourne is the eighth largest telecommunications market in the world - making Melbourne one of the best wired cities globally - broadband infrastructure is located within 100 metres (328 feet) of every office building in the central business district.
  
  
• Melbourne's scientists have been pivotal in the development of the world's most innovative biotechnology breakthroughs including Relenza, Relaxin and the bionic ear, which has provided hearing to 20,000 profoundly or totally deaf people in over 55 countries.
  
  
• Melbourne was the largest city in Australia at the time of Federation (1901) and as such became the nation's interim capital and home of Federal Parliament from 1901-1927.
  
  
• In 1856 a group of Melbourne workers, mostly stonemasons, won an eight-hour day from their employers. This was a world first, and is celebrated with a public holiday in Victoria.
  
  
• Australia has held the Commonwealth Games on three previous occasions: 1938 in Sydney, 1962 in Perth, and 1982 in Brisbane.
  
  
• The Welcome Stranger - the world's largest alluvial gold nugget weighing approximately 70 kilograms (154.3 pounds) - was discovered in Ballarat, (one hour's drive from Melbourne) in 1869.
  
  
• The National Gallery of Victoria has the world's largest stained glass ceiling - 51 metres (167.3 feet) long by 15 metres (49.2 feet) wide.
  
  
• The Story of the Ned Kelly Gang, made in Melbourne in 1906, is recognised as the world's first feature film, running to five reels.
  
  
• One of the world's earliest feature-length films - Soldiers of the Cross - was made in 1900 in Melbourne by Salvation Army leader, General Booth.
  
  
• In 1869, the largest fully-steerable telescope the world had ever seen was installed at the Melbourne Observatory. Known as the Great Melbourne Telescope, the device boasted a reflector of 122 centimetres (48 inches).
  
  
• Luna Park, in Melbourne's bayside suburb of St Kilda, is the world's oldest amusement park under private management.
  
  
• Melbourne's Observation Deck is in the Rialto, the tallest office building in the Southern Hemisphere. It stands on 75 huge concrete caissons (legs) attached to rock 20m (66 feet) below the ground.
  
  
• The spire on top of the Victorian Arts Centre reaches 115 metres (377 feet) into the air. It has: 6,600 metres (21,654 feet) of fibre optic tubing in and around the spire; 17,700 metres (58,071 feet) of power and control cables; 14,000 incandescent lamps on the skirt of the spire, 150 metres (492 feet) of neon tubing on the mast; 496 computer control devices which manipulate the colours and movement of the lights.
  
  
• The Melbourne-made television soap opera Neighbours recorded its 4,000th episode in May 2002. It screens in 57 different countries to an average daily audience of 120 million viewers. Since it began in 1985 the show has had 18 marriages, 11 deaths and six births.

interesting to me only ?

Sister Cities

Melbourne has seven sister cities around the world.

The Sister Cities programme aims to promote Melbourne’s international profile, particularly in the Asia Pacific region, supporting exchanges in business, tourism, education, culture and sport and promoting tolerance, understanding and friendship.

The cities are Osaka in Japan (our first, back in 1978); Tianjin in the People's Republic of China; Thessaloniki in Greece; Boston in the USA; Saint Petersburg in Russia; Milan in Italy and Galle, Sri Lanka (after the 2004 tsunami disaster Melbourne adopted Galle in order to fund the reconstruction of its cricket ground).